Originally, when I started this blog 3 years ago it was to talk about writing (for those masses who have never read my blog: I know, I know…5 posts in 3 years???  What the hell have I been doing?  Well, I do have a hundred or more that I haven’t bothered to move over when I switched from iWeb to WordPress)

More specifically, the blog was going to be about pursing the dream of a writing career while balancing a new job and being a new father.  That kind of petered out since I have done very little writing during that time.  In my defense, I did get laid off when the economy when into the shitter, a day before my second beautiful screaming bag of need got home from the hospital.  So, for a year of the past 3 years, I was scrambling around, trying to get whatever bits of work I could, and then for the past 13 months I’ve been at this job I’m at now.

When you have a family, you start worrying about all kinds of things that you never thought on much before, most of which revolve around cash money.  How I am I going to put my kids through college in 18 years so they don’t end up hooking it down on Hollywood Blvd?  How am I going pay for their braces and cool-kid clothes so they aren’t all snaggle-toothed when they’re 13 and wishing the boys in class would notice them instead of that prissy, straight-toothed Tiffany Carpenter with her salon hair and designer jeans.

You start to think about money all the the friggin’ time … Or I should say I start to.  It’s entirely possible that other people aren’t nearly as neurotic as me.  As soon as Spawn #1 spurted out, my dreams and life goals all took a back seat to constantly thinking about how I could make more money.  And in a way, this is how it should be.  My kids are more important to me than I am.

But, the catch is that when you’re in that place, you’re never really happy with where you are at.  You’re going through the motions every day at a job you don’t like doing because you think it’s going to get you somewhere that you don’t really want to  be anyway, but you’re still going to go there because it will be better for your kids.  But the whole time you’re, not miserable really, but not as happy as you could be and that’s got to have an effect the very things the things that you’re “giving up” so much to help in the first place.  It’s a conundrum.

I was watching Louis C.K. on YouTube recently.  I just discovered him and find him fucking hiiiiiilarious.  He was talking about the difference between single people and married people and he said, basically, “You ask married people how they are doing, they just say ‘fine’.  That’s all we say.  We don’t say ‘Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity and my kids are eating my dreams.'” and I laughed a little too hard at that.  While I don’t resent my kids or silently sulk about what I may or may not have “given up” for them, I do feel myself getting farther and farther away from where, and who, I want to be.

Giving up this job I’m not crazy about isn’t the answer.  I do like being able to feed and clothe my family.  But the more I get away from my own goals and dreams the more I want to just flop my fat ass on my couch after getting home from work and escape into whatever TV show happens to be on.

It’s not exactly the life I hope to have and  it’s time to pull out before inertia makes it too hard to move.  A life of resigned acceptance doesn’t really sound like one worth living.

So, I’ll do this job and  I’ll do it well, but what I think I’ve decided to do is stop thinking about it as a career.  Stop thinking about my future and where this job can lead me and just think of it as something that pays the bills while I try to get to a place where I really want to be and while I try to become someone that both I and my kids can be proud of.

And my kids braces and college education?  Hmm.  Hopefully they’ll have straight teeth like their daddy and are smart enough to get scholarships?  Maybe we’ll be poor but at least they’ll have a dad who doesn’t hate himself more with each passing year.

From now on, this blog is going to re-focus on its original intent.  It’s going to be about writing; both mine and other people’s, and about trying to balance the pursuit of my dreams and my commitment to my family.

In writing news:

I just finished a spec script that too far took long to complete.  It’s in the hands of a good friend of mine who also happens to have an agent.  He’s going to give it a read and then give it to said agent.  We’ll see what comes of it.

I’ve re-started editing the young adult novel I wrote a few years ago.  Been polishing at a rate of five pages a day (most days).  Although I still like the story and most of the content, the book is 378 pages of spelling and gramatical errors.  An amazing, wonderful, fantastic friend of mine marked up the entire thing for me.  I printed it out, gave it to her and she returned it as a sea of red ink.  I’ve been fiddling with it, setting it aside for other projects and avoiding it for years now and about 3 months ago I re-committed to it and I currently have 57 pages left to edit.

And the main project I have I am working on is a novel that’s been rolling around in my head for a couple years.  I started outlining it and have written the first five pages.  It’s not much, but I’ve only been working on it a week.

So, just to keep a running tally of my two most current projects

Young Adult Novel:  Pages left to edit: Novel:  Page count



Well, that looks like crap….  If anyone knows how to insert a nice looking spreadsheet into WordPress, please let me know.

And that’s about all for now.  Back to writing.  I want to get to page 10 by the end of the weekend.

Published in: on July 30, 2011 at 5:22 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. As ever, you seem to tap into my brain-waves with your posts on writing. Glad to hear you’re all ginned up to write more, and also looking forward to more blog posts. Good stuff.

    • Hm. I think we’re in very similar circumstances in the life/career/dreams area.

      If you want, I can give you one of my kids and then we’ll be in exactly the same place. 🙂

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