Bathrooms, Computers and Spankin’ that A**

One really awesome thing about living in China is, occasionally, you’ll get a nice big healthy case of the runs.  Actually, I shouldn’t limit this to China.  I’m not admitting I’ve actually gone doodie in mine own pants, because that would be far too embarrassing, but I will say virtually everyone I know who has traveled extensively- and everyone I’ve actually asked – has sharted in their underoos at least once.  It goes with the territory.

Today is one of those special days.  No sharting (don’t go getting all excited) but I have had a couple dozen trips to the back to spend some time with myself.  Of course, this has not gone unnoticed by my coworkers, and that brings us to another perk of living in China.  People talk openly about bodily functions.  Of course, in my mind, this makes total sense.  Everybody poops (if you haven’t read the book, you should).  Everyone vomits.  Everyone farts, burps, digs boogers out of their nose and at least half the population lets the occasional queef.  We all do it – so my mind tells me – what’s the big deal with talking about it?

Well, apparently it’ s more than my Victorian upbringing can handle because when I was coming back from my 47th trip to the bathroom this morning, and my Chinese coworker says, both loudly and with sincere concern, “Oh, Hinesy, I think you really have the serious diarrhea.” I really couldn’t do anything but laugh as I kept walking to my office.

He had no way of knowing that when I’m embarrassed, uncomfortable or scared, I tend to burst into laughter (I have no idea why) and he probably thought that he’d made some sort of strange foreigner connection with me because then, every other time strolled by him – trying very hard to seem casual, like it wasn’t unbelievably urgent for me to get to a commode as soon as humanly possible – he would say,  “Ohh.  To the bathroom again!?” and then smile and laugh in a “our friendship just reached a whole new level.” kind of way.  I would then just shake my head, laugh some more, and waddle down the hall with my butt pinched-tight.

It’s been an awesome day.

Writing update!

None, Zilch, Zip, Nada.

My sweet and shiny Macbook is at the Macbook doctor’s.  Generally it’s fine, but my AppleCare runs out in February and I want to get as much stuff fixes on it as possible while it’s free.  This time it’s a new trackpad and a new screen.  Is there anything REALLY wrong with either?  Hmmm… saying “no” might make me a fraud, but I admit it was nothing that would keep me from using it.  However, I’ve paid enough for that AppleCare and I want my moolah’s worth.

It’s been there for four days now and I’ve no idea when it will be back in my loving arms.  I’ve been using other workstations, while at work, and sneaking bits of time on my wife’s computer, but nothing with enough time to do any writing or editing.  Besides, all my stuff is on my computer…an writing on someone else’s computer feels dirty, and not in a good way.  Even doing this blog on another computer feels a little like cheating.

The last part of this blog was going to be a heartfelt defense of spanking your children, but quipping about today being one, long, never ending bowel movement has taken far too long.   You’ll have to read about me beating my children next time.

No, I don’t really beat my children, sicko.

Published in: on September 8, 2011 at 8:53 am  Comments (2)