36 Hrs into the Juice Fast and…

…I folded like a napkin.  I broke like a dry twig.  I crumpled like a dirty pair of undies, tossed onto the floor.

I completely and utterly failed and I’m pretty ok with that.  It wasn’t so much the constant discomfort combined with the thought that there would be 8 1/2 more days of nothing but lemon juice, combined with the knowledge that there was a kitchen full of food just a few feet away.

All of that played a large part of my downfall, but the straw that broke my back was how short my temper was getting with my kids.  I would notice it and remind myself that I was just hungry and if I could keep my shit together it would pass in just a couple days, but I would still find myself over-reacting over things that normally wouldn’t bother me at all.

So, there it is…my failure is not at all a result of my weak and insignificant will.  Instead, it’s the fault of my two, young and innocent children.  Yes, let’s blame it on them.  My ego feels better already.

Wife and Spawn are heading back to Taiwan in late April and maybe I’ll give it another try then, when I’m can lock myself away and not have to subject anyone to my unpleasantness.

Published in: on February 18, 2012 at 6:31 am  Comments (1)  

Juicin’ my Colon like Craaaazyyy

This how I wish I felt about juice, but actually feel about fried mushrooms dipped in Ranch Dressing. I couldn't find a picture of someone looking this happy eating the fried mushrooms, though.

About 3 years ago I was in a weight losing competition that I, and my equally tubby competitors, dubbed “The Fat Off”.  It was a two month contest to see who could lose the most weight.  The rules were: No puking, No drugs.  Everything else is ok.  At the end, the losers ALL pay the winner NT$1,000 (US$33.80) per pound of the difference lost.  So, if I lose 10 pounds and you lose five, you owe me NT$5,000 (US$169).

I lost a ridiculous amount of weight and a fairly substantial amount of money.  Through various forms of self abuse, I averaged about .8 lbs per day for the two months and I still came in 17 pounds under the winner.  As much as this made my wallet hurt, when looking at my new sexy ass in the mirror, it seemed worth it at the time.  Of course, three years later, my ass is not so sexy anymore and now I just wish I had my six hundred bucks.

I won’t go through all the stages of my extended Fat Off bliss – it’s not the point of this post, but might be a good story for a later date – but I will talk about stage #2.  After the weight loss from cutting a few calories and exercising 2 hours a day plateaued, I decided to go on The Master Cleanse.

For those of you who don’t know, The Master Cleanse is a colon cleanse that is supposed to rid your of all of the toxins that build up in your body from all the chemicals that we ingest in this industrial world of ours.   What you do, is mix up some fresh lemon juice, grade B Maple syrup, pure distilled water and cayenne pepper.   You substitute this for food, and put nothing else in your body but more distilled water and, every morning, a liter of salt water to “cleanse” your system.  And by “cleanse”, I mean “rocket through your intestinal tract and spay out your sphincter 20 minutes after forcing it down your gagging throat”.

To be honest, I really didn’t give a shit about toxins.  I saw the winner of our little Fat Off pulling away and I needed something to help me play catch-up.  This article  decided it for me.  If skinny-ass Beyoncé can drop 20lbs in 2 weeks, I was certain to dump a giant load with all my fat ass had to offer (disgusting double-entendre intended).

Well, to my relief,  I did drop a load, but more than that, I found the whole experience and interesting one.  Let me recap it for you:  (not for the fecally sensitive).

Day One:  Special bathroom time is all normal.  At the end of the day, you’re a little hungry.

Day Two:  Special bathroom time is “normal” but markedly smaller than normal, except for peeing, which is like a racehorse.  At the end of the day, you’re very hungry and kind of angry.

Day Three:  Special bathroom time is non-existant, other than your morning cleanse, which might remind one of those times after school when had some Nestle Quick in the house, but no milk, and thought “Maybe I could use water and it’d be ok.”  By the end of the day you wish your spouse and children and coworkers and friends would all die because they obviously have no sympathy for your self-imposed tragedy (which you could stop at any time).  Your head hurts.  You’ve been having dizzy spells all day and you start reasoning with yourself that losing a thousand dollars on a ridiculous, spur-of-the-moment bet wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Day Four:  Special bathroom time is still null but your Morning cleanse might remind one of a clean mountain spring.  You feel…kinda awesome.

Day Five:  Day four all over.  You feel fine.  Energetic.  Clean.  No hunger pangs at all.

Day Six:  Special bathroom time is…different.  Your morning cleanse starts off like a clean mountain spring and then a torrent of black, industrial sludge from the factory upstream arrives.  Other than feeling fucking disgusted that the stuff you’re looking at came out of you, you feel fine.  No hunger and plenty of energy, but your tongue has turned white.  Paper white.  It looks like it’s been dusted with cocaine.  This would normally worry you, but you read on the internet that this is normal and, always trusting what strangers with no medical degrees say, you feel that things are progressing splendidly.

Day Seven: Special bathroom time isn’t the crime scene that it was on Day Six, but there is still some nasty in your nethers and you feel only a little less gross than yesterday.  Otherwise, everything is fine.  No hunger.  Lots of energy.  Tongue still white.

Day Eight: Special bathroom time is back to looking like an Ozarka commercial.  You still feel ok.  Your energy is not bouncing you off the walls, but it’s certainly at a higher level than you’d have after Thanksgiving dinner.  Your tongue is white.

Day Nine is a continuation Day eight.

Day Ten: your tongue turns to a nice, healthy pink and your body is “cleansed” of all toxins.  Dr. Internet says so, so you know it’s true.

Once I got past the third day, it was so easy that I probably would have kept going with it, had my weight-loss not plateaued again, forcing me to resort to more desperate, and less comfortable methods to keep my family out of the poor house.

However, after the whole experience, I thought I would do a cleanse once every year or two.  It was the gunk that spewed out of me on day 5 that convinced me that it might be a good idea because, whatever that shit was, it could not be healthy to have it sitting around inside of me.  Another affirmation that  I want to do this on a semi-regular basis came about a year ago when a buddy of mine told me that his father almost died because of a perforated intestine, caused from crap sitting around up in him (which is the medical term for it…sorry laymans, you’ll have to look it up to understand).

I know that there are high-fiber diets that are a lot easier and apparently just as good for scrubbing out your innards, but I do like the weight loss aspect as well.  Yes, naysayer, I know that it’ll come back quickly because my metabolism will have lowered and blah blah and my blah will blah blah.  But I tell myself it’s the beginning of a change in lifestyle and I can have a metamorphosis like Jared Leto in those pics from that link I posted above.  I know I’ve said that to myself before and it was all lies, but this time it’s different.  This time I’ve changed.  I know I’ve done some bad stuff to me, but I didn’t mean it…I just get so crazy jealous sometimes that I can’t help it.  When I think of myself with someone else and I just…..

I also just wonder if I can actually do it.  If my will was as iron-clad as I always like to imagine it to be.

So, On Monday I got together all my lemons and waters and syrups.  Actually, since China seems to hate Maple trees, this time I’m using honey as the sweetener, which some fake internet-doctors say is ok and some are staunchly against.  I’m going to take my chances with it though, since eating pollen that has been regurgitated by bees seems every bit as ‘natural’ as eating tree sap.

Anyway, Tuesday morning I filled up my liter bottle of goodness and headed to work, ready to take over the world.  By Tuesday afternoon I had come up with 57.3 reasons that this just wasn’t the right time for a lemon cleanse and I went home that evening wondering if I was going to make it through dinner.

I made it through about 2 minutes of dinner before my iron-will crumpled like a wet paper sack.  Sure, my boss had called that day and said he would be in the office the next day through Friday, and I needed to “be at my best”.  And, no, I wasn’t expecting the caffeine-withdrawal headache that I felt coming on at around 4:30, and, yes, the thought of suffering through that AND hunger pangs for 3 days seemed too much to bear.  But none of that changes the fact that I’m a giant, sniveling puss who would probably break in an interrogation before they finished strapping me down to the torture chair, whatever a ‘torture chair’ is.

Maybe if I agreed to give someone an obscene amount of money if I don’t make it to the end of the cleanse, my balls would drop and I could make it more than 14 hours.

I plan on starting again on Friday.  That way, most of my angry hunger tantrums can happen over the weekend, safely away from my workplace.  Also, if I start Friday Morning, my caffeine withdrawal headaches will be in full-swing by Saturday and starting to subside by Monday morning.

I will keep you all posted on my misery.

IN WRITING NEWS…  I received more very positive news from the agent’s office, but have yet to hear from the agent himself.  About three weeks ago, I decided to show some gumption and some range by writing another spec script and sending it in, unsolicited.  So, I picked a very different show than I wrote last time and gave it a go.  It took me about 10 days to write and revise an hour long script to one of my favorite shows.  I think it turned out awesome, but I always tend towards thinking I (and I related things) am more awesome than other people do, so who knows.  I sent it in a little more than a week ago and am already thinking about working on another spec for another show (maybe a half hour comedy) to show even more gumption and range.  I can’t decide if I would come across as a go-getter or just pushy and annoying.  After all, they already have four samples of my writing.


I took the Foreign Service test last Saturday and it felt about the same as it did last time: not easy, but not hard.  I passed it last time, so maybe that’s a good sign.  Or maybe I’m just thinking I’m awesome again and I actually bombed it.  We’ll see in three to five weeks.  I’ll keep you posted on that too.

Alright.  That’s about it.  The next time you hear from me, I’ll be starving and angry.

Published in: on February 15, 2012 at 9:38 am  Comments (2)